need tips to help me get better please

ayo sup.. yo am just wondering if you could look at this and see what yall fink... its my first go at writing a song but i think its whack... i'm only 16 so i could improve, with your tips i'm hoping to do that, anyways cheers

Crazy people

intro
theres some motherfukin crazy ppl in this world, and if you think your one of em.. then this is to you

verse 1
occasionally i find myself doin crazy shit,
like wen i was in class having a gassing fit
and then wen i told a guy to suck my dick.
he said ''what me?'', i said yeah bitch and make it quick,
so he got on his knees thinkin i was serious,
a sed get up fukin fool ya actin delerius
he looked up at me like i'd just took a shit in hit mouth,
u seen his mum? i did her in his house
but yo i didn't were a rubber, she wouldn't let me, she a crazy motherfucker
now my is dick itchin, sick of people behind your back bitchin
just bought a gun and i need target practice,
come to mine and i'll give you a few tactics,
my rhymes are feeble, if i wanted to i could blow up a jeep full of people,
cos listen to my rhymes and you'll wanna go out nd do shit illegal,
cos i can turn beutifull people truely decietfull

Chorus
watch yourself outside there some crazy people,
listen up, this shit is simple,
it makes you wanna jump to the beat
and go mad wid your feet,
sit back down in your seat,
before i reduce you to tears
beware am in your worst fears

verse 2
yo, inside i've got a crazy person, that makes me do stuff thats fucked up,
like goin out and tellin a dog of a girl that i wanna get hooked up,
and wen my mate gets picked on, i'm the only really one that stood up...
for him cos yo he's my best bud,
we been thru shit that normal people would,
u can tell wen my ex girl is chasin u,, u'll hear the damned thud,
she cried over me so much that she causes a fukin flood,
but yo fuk it i'll get over that bridge soon enough,
i know a guy who ate his fridge and raged thru the stuff,
sat there munchin on his roasted nuts,
listening to my cd like he just can't get enough
he said yo whens your next song coming through,
i said i dunno, i've got alot ov crazy shit to do

Chorus
watch yourself outside there some crazy people,
listen up, this shit is simple,
it makes you wanna jump to the beat
and go mad wid your feet,
sit back down in your seats,
before i reduce you to tears
beware am in your worst fears


verse 3
if you think that your abit crazy stick your hands up
like when you try and drink out of an empty cup
or when you walk into a nightclub
and try and rape a college slut
but you realise that your impatent and u cant get it up
i can tear u apart like a paper mashay
this aint a game and if it was u wouldn't be allowed to play
cos i don't hang around with you faggots and gays
i move so fast that if i ran round you, you'd be dazed for days
you could be built like a bulldog, and i wouldn't be phased
i'm like a massive rubber, if i ran over you i'd have you erased
but yo theres a whole bunch of people that act like me
just don't give a fuck and go out on a drinkin spree,
till they throw up,
then they have kids and constantly tell them to grow up
cos they don't wan them to grow up to act like crazy dicks
like goin out in publc rippin people to bits
simple as if you don't like me then kiss my grits
but if you do y'all gunna listen to some more of this

Chorus
watch yourself outside there some crazy people,
listen up, this shit is simple,
it makes you wanna jump to the beat
and go mad wid your feet,
sit back down in your seat,
before i reduce you to tears
beware am in your worst fears

verse 4
yo, am not what you'd call a traditional english MC
cos i don't rhyme with club tracks, i use slow BEATS
i don't care what y'all use, i'll give the crowd TREATS
i'm not talkin about givin away free CAPS and SWEETS
i'm talkin about people listening to my RAPS and BEATS
people round here thinkin they good givin it all BRAPP BRAPP
like wen i go round your mums house, lay on the bed and SNAP THAT
i'd fuk you up lyricly how'dya LIKE THAT,
bring your crew down here and prepare to be LAUGHED AT
i float around like a cloud of GUN SMOKE
i'll stick on you untill i make your LUNGS CHOKE
u put a visa card in the outside bank and it said FUNDS BROKE
then the next thing you know is that your house is being REPOSSESSED
you aint even been left a room so you can get UNDRESSED.
just let this shit REST
and keep lookin into the future and think whats the BEST.
yo, am movin off the subject of crazy PEOPLE
but fuk it go out and do shit ILLEGAL

outro
yo just think about it, about when you think about doin good stuff
think twice, go crazy like tying yourself in handcuffs.

U must work hard on this ... try another topic to write but it was good

Hey...We've All Been Here...Actually When I Read In Between The Lines I See A Lot Of Potential...Trust Me I Read Something I Wrote In An Old Notebook Of Mine The Other Day...There Was A Rhyme In There I Wrote At 15...And Id Have To Honestly Say That Yours Is Way Better...

1st Make Sure The Spelling Is Correct Before You Drop...Especially On The More Complex Words ...Knowing The Words Meaning But Not Knowing How To Spell It Is The Worst...It Makes A Rhyme Look Unprofessional...1 or 2 Accidents Are Cool But Constant Misspellings Aren't

Also...Im Not Sure If You Wanted To Say This Or Not But

"my rhymes are feeble, if i wanted to i could blow up a jeep full of people,"

Feeble Basically Means Weak Or Fragile...So Unless You Really Meant To Say Your Rhymes Were Weak Then This Was An Error On Your Part...And You Should Stay Away From Words You're Unsure Of...

Like I Said Though...Maybe You Really Did WANT To Get The Point Across That You Think Your Rhymes Are Weak If So Then Dont Worry About It...You Used The Word Properly And In That Case Im Mistaken

I Say You Have A Lot Of Potential Because I Can See You're Imaginative...I See The Potential In Certain Lines Like...

my rhymes are feeble, if i wanted to i could blow up a jeep full of people,

like when you try and drink out of an empty cup
or when you walk into a nightclub
and try and rape a college slut

i can tear u apart like a paper mashay

Now...

i float around like a cloud of gun SMOKE
ill stick on you until i make you CHOKE
u put a visa card in the outside bank and it said you were BROKE

is basic compared to what you wrote....

i float around like a cloud of GUN SMOKE
i'll stick on you untill i make your LUNGS CHOKE
u put a visa card in the outside bank and it said FUNDS BROKE

^^^^^This Is Where You Started Gettin A Bit More Complex With The Rhyme...The Words In Caps Lock Are Called Multis Or Multiples...If Used Correctly These Can Make A Drop Look Less Basic...Every Line Doesnt Have To Be A Multi But Toss A Few In The Verse Here And There To Spice It Up...My Style Is Strongly Based Off Multis...I Use Them Constantly...But Thats Just Me And My Particular Technique...Doesnt Mean That You Have To Do The Same...See Its Not The Fact That You Put The Rhyming Words In Caps Lock Its The Fact That Instead Of Rhyming ONE Word With Another (example: smoke...choke) You're Rhyming TWO (example: gun smoke...lungs choke) Its A Little More Difficult But Signifies That You're A Little More Advanced...But Id' Suggest You Stay Away From Capitalizing Your Multis...Trust Me Theyll Know Its A Multi When They Read It...Theres No Real Reason To Caps Lock Them...Unless They're In A Much More Abstract Position...I'd Show You An Example But I'd Have To Go Into My Archives And Im Tired As Hell...Maybe Tomorrow

just don't give a fuck and go out on a drinkin spree,
till they throw up,
then they have kids and constantly tell them to grow up

Nice Message In That^^^...Thats The Truth! LoL

You Had Some Decent Vocabulary In This One...Not Bad At All
A Lot Of People Don't Notice At Times That Vocabulary Plays A HUGE Role In Writing...Think About It...The More Words You Know The More You Have To Work With....Right?

Try Learning A New Word Or Two Everyday And Expand Your Vocab...Im Not Calling You An Idiot Hahaha Im Just Saying That It Helps With You're Writing Extremely...It Helps With Mine

I'd Say A Lot More But Dude Im Tired As Hell Its 7 In The Morning Here...I Really Want To See More Of Your Work Though...The Fact That You're Doing This At 16 Is Excellent...You Have Room For A Lot Of Improvement But Your Young You Have All The Time In The World...And If You Need Me To Answer Your Questions, Critique Your Work Or Whatever It Is...Dont Hesitate To Private Message Me Or Hit Me In The Chatbox...

~VeGa VaNiSh~

Yea...That Was Me... Forgot To Log In

I AGREE SOME WIT WHAT MY BRUH SAID.....IF U WANNA USE BIG WORDS, KEEP A DICTIONARY HANDY...NUTHIN WRONG WIT THAT OR ASK SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS
STOP WRITING TO PLEASE OTHERS AND PLEASE URSELF......
U HAVE TO LIKE WHAT U WRITE CUZ IF YOU DONT THINK ITS DOPE, WHY THA FUCK WOULD SOMEONE ELSE........I'M A SIMPLE WRITER.....ALL THA MULTIES AND COMPLEXITY THROW ME OFF....


I LIKE TO WRITE WHAT I FEEL.....WHAT I KNOW HEADS CAN RELATE TOO

SOMETIMES ALLT THAT COMPLEX SHIT FALLS ON DEF EARS AND BLIND EYES, FEEL ME......


U GOOD,,,,,WORK ON IT SOMEMORE.....U'LL BLOSSOM AT UR OWN PACE

Smokahontas wrote:I AGREE SOME WIT WHAT MY BRUH SAID.....IF U WANNA USE BIG WORDS, KEEP A DICTIONARY HANDY...NUTHIN WRONG WIT THAT OR ASK SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS
STOP WRITING TO PLEASE OTHERS AND PLEASE URSELF......
U HAVE TO LIKE WHAT U WRITE CUZ IF YOU DONT THINK ITS DOPE, WHY THA FUCK WOULD SOMEONE ELSE........I'M A SIMPLE WRITER.....ALL THA MULTIES AND COMPLEXITY THROW ME OFF....


I LIKE TO WRITE WHAT I FEEL.....WHAT I KNOW HEADS CAN RELATE TOO

SOMETIMES ALLT THAT COMPLEX SHIT FALLS ON DEF EARS AND BLIND EYES, FEEL ME......


U GOOD,,,,,WORK ON IT SOMEMORE.....U'LL BLOSSOM AT UR OWN PACE

ight thanks mann

Evoere2kay9 wrote:

Smokahontas wrote:I AGREE SOME WIT WHAT MY BRUH SAID.....IF U WANNA USE BIG WORDS, KEEP A DICTIONARY HANDY...NUTHIN WRONG WIT THAT OR ASK SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS
STOP WRITING TO PLEASE OTHERS AND PLEASE URSELF......
U HAVE TO LIKE WHAT U WRITE CUZ IF YOU DONT THINK ITS DOPE, WHY THA FUCK WOULD SOMEONE ELSE........I'M A SIMPLE WRITER.....ALL THA MULTIES AND COMPLEXITY THROW ME OFF....


I LIKE TO WRITE WHAT I FEEL.....WHAT I KNOW HEADS CAN RELATE TOO

SOMETIMES ALLT THAT COMPLEX SHIT FALLS ON DEF EARS AND BLIND EYES, FEEL ME......


U GOOD,,,,,WORK ON IT SOMEMORE.....U'LL BLOSSOM AT UR OWN PACE

ight thanks mann

thats a WOman...

Key to elevations practice, plain and simple, read other more polished
writers work and see how they construct rhyme schemes and link concepts
use wordplay etc, join in as many cyphers as you can, and dont limit yourself
to straight cyphers hit up topical based ones to elevate creatively as well
as lyrically, thats how you elevate, you jus refuse to accept any weakness
in your craft n you focus on strengthenin it.

thats some good advice right there....

thanks for the insight indiana ... welcome to the site by the way

daaaaaamn costa thats decent feedback haha

Damn, Rockin The Mic Like That